Managed to do 2 exercise classes.Bought another rain jacket to replace a brand new one .(It was in my bike carrier which i lost a few days ago ,swerving to avoid a motorist.Lost balance and the bike keeled over.)Had lunch ,cleared the sink, put out household rubbish and removed more from the floor. .Photographed cluttered windowsill where stuff from sink is waiting for a spot Resisted the temptation to deal with the moth infestation in cupboards or walk dog . Succumbed to the urge to add to facebook.Returned 2 phone calls but no answer so couldn’t spend time chatting
Finally retrieved my computer from the drawer.
I am an expert avoider and the minute my fingers touch key board or pick up a pen all the great ideas disappear completely .Not exactly:there is a vague memory of a great idea ,but once explored as a writing piece the great idea becomes just an idle thought.The extraordinary idea reconfigures itself into an ordinary thought loaded with problems and contradictions .I have written in my head and nothing more needs to be said .
For the last few weeks two phrases have run round and round in my head :,”I am in mourning for my life”,I think it is Masha in Chekhov’s Cherry Orchard who announces this as she enters stage The other phrase is from the South African playwright Athol Fugards Hello and Goodbye .Hester says cynically ” A lot of people get by without any future nowadays “.Maybe it is time to write them out .
I certainly don’t feel those sentiments .But I am unsure of a sadness underlying each day.Perhaps there is a questioning of what is worth doing as life moves fast .Rather like that feeling of lostness when one first discovers death as a child; the responses to the questions about whether the pet/person will come back ,where s/he goes ,who dies and when are never entirely satisfying .Despite the fact that the count from 4 to 60/70/80 is a long time to the 4 yr old, it is still.challenging .There is a sense of time moving ,and the first realisation of mortality.The question after”how old are you ?”is often “will you die ?’’
But the space between the beginning and end number compresses ,and becomes thinner as the years speed by and the count between 70 and 80 is over before its started.
Why at this stage take on anything new ,or difficult ?However time continues to move, and unappreciated ,unlived time is tedious, prickly and anxiety ridden .
The well worn counselling question-“if you were to die tomorrow and wake up to your ideal world /scenario-what would it look like ?”
And of course “What words would you like written on your tombstone?” How do you want to be remembered ?are not very subtle attempts to shift the persons thinking from a gloomy present to a lighter future ,and then to work with him/her to start creating that very future in the present
I am thinking right now if ,after 70 years on this planet there have been moments of sadness or dissatisfaction with life ,then I don’t think one has a fighting chance to change or to reinvent .Might be able to tweek life around the edges ,or recreate a different present when one of the components has dissolved or disappeared .I’m thinking here of death ,loss,illness ,or war .But given our human propensity for habit and settling into routines , don’t set much store on a very different future.
All we can do is plug on ,working in our imperfect human way towards an imagined end ,keep on attempting to accept or change or shift some of the stuff that surrounds us ,learn more , love and be loved.
Spend less time being busy and more on loving ,learning and writing .
Easter rituals end joyously