Have one more chemo to go ,and then the scan and blood test ,and the oncologist ,then the colon surgeon for check.It seems like an endless succession of appointments and anxieties .Checks and balances .
I thought that the last few chemos would be a slow and calm slide into the end result,be it good or bad .Of course the oncologist thinks it will be good ,and I half believe him ,and am planning for after.But there is a small part of me which whispers “but what if “.and an alternative plan forming in my head.
Also as one of the readers of last blogg point out -one is never again free of the thought of death .I guess none of us are .But this is a thought that is reinforced ,as the line between being on this earth for a while longer and being a metaphorical part of the wider universe is within my body, with me each day .
The ” I believe ….in the resurrection of the body and life everlasting “is a companion .As is the peering into eyes a fairly consistent action . If eyes are the mirrors of the soul ,so too do they contain the sparkle of life ,or the dullness,or the anxiety and struggle of those who have had or are going through the attempt to be part of living .I look into the eyes of some of the people who are sitting at oncology waiting for appointments ,into the eyes of neighbours and strangers and friends who pass by, or whom I meet for coffee or email.Frequently their eyes are turned inwards:glazed ,sometimes tired or dulled .But talk to them or get to them on messanger ,and a light flickers .Making an effort ,or engaging ,lighting up .This world is a wonderful place and they are brought back into it through connecting with kindness or love or just a joke
Nevertheless -the Eyes have it :all the worry and pain ,all the regrets and wishes ,all the past and hoped for future, the pleading .As well as the joyfulness,gratifude and belief in life /joy /eternity /God -“whatever “as my kids used to say .We all need a whatever and love